I saw a guy walking into the toilets at work here today carrying a newspaper. I could see he was in for the long haul. He had the same determined look on his face that my Dad used to have when he’d head into the throne room armed with a pen, and a newspaper open to the crosswords page. I found myself again asking the question that I’ve been asking myself for years, Why?

I’ve never understood why anyone would want to spend any more time sitting on the toilet than they absolutely have to. Other than the obvious toilet activities, there’s nothing you can do there that you can’t do sitting on any other chair in the house.  It usually a newspaper, though nowadays, people are taking their phones and iPad’s in there. You’re essentially saying, “I won’t read the paper on the patio, I’d rather read it in the smallest, darkest room in the house that also, thanks to me, smells like arse?”

Some people say it’s a good place to sit and think. The only thing I usually think about when I’m there is that I’m really not getting enough fibre in my diet. Honestly, you can sit and think anywhere.

Others enjoy the privacy. I enjoy the privacy too, but that’s because of the embarrassing pungent odor being omitted from the area. Of course I want to keep that private. But I don’t want to spend any more time in there than I have to wallowing in my own filth. If you want privacy, just go in your bedroom and lock the door.

Another school of thought I heard today whilst discussing this in the office, and before you ask, yes we are very busy, was that it’s an escape. Get away from a nagging partner, or kids or whatever. Terrible idea. That’s why god invented shed’s.Go and hang out in the shed. If you want, take a newspaper with you. At least you can read it without abusing your nasal cavity.

See the thing is, I’ve always been a quick shitter. In, bang, out, done. I don’t muck around in there. Like the U.S. raid that killed Osama Bin Laden. Hit it hard, do some damage and get out of there without ever disclosing to anyone exactly what took place. In both situations, it’s in the general public’s best interests not to know.

Speaking of the public. I should point out that I’m aware of the comic value of farts. There’s two levels of hilarity with farts though. The unmistakable ‘fart sound’ made popular in the 80′s by the whoopee cushion. The other amusing element is seeing your friends cover their faces while laughing but trying to avoid breathing in the smell. It’s funny because you’re punishing them with your fart. The same joy any practical joke delivers. When you’re on the toilet though, it’s just you, punishing yourself. You don’t fart in bed and then pull the blankets up and dutch oven yourself, so why hang out in the toilet.

I realise that the practice of hanging out in the crapper has been going on for years. As I said, I remember my Dad disappearing for extended spells. I’m sure most of us would probably have a similar memory. Your Dad would walk out, crossword done, feeling content and the bathroom would then be off limits for a good half hour or so. I once theorised that the amount of time to wait was directly proportional to the amount of time spent in there. I’ve since disproved this theory.

Do you hang out in toilets? I’d love to hear why. Leave a comment.